Ten Ways to Make It Last Forever

Thank you. [laughter] Very cool. Hey, we appreciate y'all. Y'all doing all right, man. What a time we have had. Yes. Uh hopefully your breakout sessions were good for you. Uh we are grateful to be here at Journey to take this journey along with you all and uh just grateful for your pastors and grateful to be uh a part of this amazing amazing time. So, we have come to the final session. That's it. For the conference. Let me turn this right here. Let me see. There she go. There she go. There she is. Um [sighs] and um I love that we get to do this today. Um of course, we always love to give you the objectives that we have uh going into a session. And for this session right here, we have three objectives.

That's it. Number one, if you can put first things first, you can make it last forever. If you can take divorce off the table, you can make it last forever. When you strengthen, refresh, and renew your hope for your marriage, you can make it last forever. Which we have been leading to this part right here. This session is titled Make It Last Forever. Shout out to Keith Sweat. [groaning] Y'all don't know that. Y'all know about that. Y'all, y'all too holy. Pastor, you told you done you done good. Good job. Um, and the purpose of this session is to provide you with the top 10 things you can do to make it last forever. I believe God is going to impart some things into you with these 10. That's it.

That will become a part of the DNA of your marriage. You may not get them all at once, but just grab one of them. Grab two of them. You're going to have 10 to be able to choose from. And if you can get them all, it' be fantastic. Are y'all ready? Y I can't hear you. Are you ready? [cheering] All right. Number one, think on good things. Think on good things. Do you remember the very first night of September? That's right. The 21st night. 21st night of September. Listen. Do you remember when you first fell in love? Mhm. Can you recall what made you want to marry your spouse? Can you recollect those God moments where God shows you your husband or your wife, the way he sees them as his son or as his daughter?

Yeah. Some of us remembering how we first met each other. You got to think back a long long time ago. Long long. And that's okay. But when it says think on good things, here's a a thought process. I remember I remember the moment that our first daughter Sydney was born. After I had passed out in the delivery room, it was this long, y'all. It was during the epidural. They gave her the epidural and I was standing up and I just got dizzy and I passed out on the floor. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Needle in my back. [laughter] They get they were they see she getting the epidural. They focused on trying to get me up off the floor like Mr. Jordan come on you got to get her.

She like I'm the one having the baby. Uh no but but literally I can remember when I saw my daughter Sydney for the first time when she was born and she came out and she poked her little lip out the way Kristen would would poke her lip out. Uh, and I in that very moment, God showed me that I never saw Kristen's childhood. Yeah. Like I never saw my wife as a kid. I didn't see her walking around diapers. No, like I did not see any of her childhood. And God was really, really gracious to give me a glimpse of my wife's childhood through my own daughter.

Yeah. And as I'm now watching my daughter with the same mannerisms and the same little quirks and the same little beautiful things that I know are parts of her. Um, I instantly fell in love with my wife all over again because I'm getting to see my wife as a little girl. God's given me a picture of her childhood and what it did is caused me to fall in love with my wife over and so I have hundreds maybe thousands of things that I can reflect on good things that balance out or that overweigh the bad times and so I try to think more on good times. Uh Philippians 4:8 says,

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, yeah, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there's anything worthy of praise, think about those things." And some of y'all thinking about the wrong things. You thinking about what went wrong. You're thinking about how they made you mad. You're thinking about later on when this happened. you think waiting for the other shoe to drop. You're walking on eggshells and literally the Bible is giving you a formula. It's saying whatever a man or a woman thinkketh is that's what they become. And so the goal to make it last forever is to stop thinking about the things that are negative and to start thinking more on the things that are positive. Think on good things.

Good things. Number two, marry someone you're friends with first and remain friends. remain friends. If you're already married and that's not the case, this is now your new priority. Yep. Know the difference between being a friend and a friend. What am I saying? What are the characteristics needed to sustain a healthy friendship? Time, effort, support. These are just a few. But the definition of a friend, here's a few things that you need to know. A definition of an a friend is a person attached to another by feelings or affection or a personal regard. A friend is a person who gives assistance, who gives support. A friend is a person who is on good terms with another. A person who is not hostile.

A friend is a comrade, a confidant, an advocate, a backer. The Bible tells it this way. Proverbs in 18:24, "A man who has friends must himself be friendly, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." That's right. And so when you marry your best friend, yeah, they become closer than your kinfolk. Yeah. Prince said, "More than your mother, more than your brother." Y'all are too holy. You have no idea what that reference [laughter] is. It's okay. Listen, I'm a musical guy. I I just I'm sorry, y'all. This how we wired. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But this is why when we provide like premarital guidance and we do all these kind of things, we insist we insist that

they know and are a friend with the person that they're about to get married to. Yeah. Why? Because if we can't exhibit this friendliness to our spouse, to the person that's going to have the most intimate relationship this side of heaven, what in the world are we doing? Yeah, that's right. They may not be your friend right now, but you should make it your personal priority that they are your friend. And not just your friend, your best friend. That's right. And a lot of times couples want to have certain things outside of the marriage. I They were my friend before. Listen, Linda, Linda, Linda. Yes, you may have had a best friend outside of marriage prior to this, but the truth is this.

If you make those relationships a bigger priority than this one, there will come a moment where there will be an impass. Yeah. Now, previously to me marrying Montel, I had a best friend. It was a guy, and I thought we were best friends, like brothers. that in my mind that's how that was like you see me in my shorts which I don't wear shorts in case you don't know but um so in my mind this is just my homeboy this is my friend so when I came to tell him oh my gosh me and Montel are going to get married isn't this exciting this is so cool and I was expecting to be like oh my god girl that's so cool that that's not what he said he said oh that's cool he said, "I always thought that maybe

one day we would get married." Ew, gross. You're my friend. Ew. But this was his mindset. I can only account for mine. But this is my friend. This is my best friend. I have to be clear on what those expectations are going in. Yeah. And for a lot of people who are who are dating and and this may be for couples not here, but maybe even some singles who are are navigating this. Yeah. Uh too many times um we want to experience the gift of intimacy outside of the safety of marriage. And what happens is once we actually are inside the marriage, you feel like something is missing. In other words, when you were dating, some of y'all like us, we were intimate with each other

prior to marriage. If you waited, I'm super super proud of you and and I applaud that. That's a beautiful godly thing to experience that we did it the wrong way. Not not acknowledging that for kudos saying we did it the wrong way, but God somehow was able to redeem us. But part of the challenge is some of us in our marriage are dealing with intimacy or we're dealing with not getting enough or dealing with those things because when you weren't married, you were experiencing stuff outside of marriage as though it was all good and y'all going after. I remember before I was married it was like I was trying to I was trying to smash like we were trying to go after it. Can we keep it a hundred here? And then once you get married it's almost like the pursuit that you had it's because what God allows within the safety of marriage outside the safety of

marriage it seems like it's more pleasurable or more enjoyable. And that's never what God intended it to do. It's a lie. It's it's a lie because in the safety of marriage is the best place for us to be able to have that space. Yeah. And so sometimes we feel like something is missing. 1 Corinthians 13 and4 says love is patient. It is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. And so we just want to say to any singles who are here who's serving, I do want to say this. If the person you are dating or courting, engaged to interested in, if that person cannot be patient or you're the one in the relationship that cannot be patient, that's not love and that's not a relationship that you should be in.

That's real talk. Um, all right. So, um, you want to go Oh, what does it say right here? Oh, your spouse is supposed to be your best friend. Cuz you are. You I'm your best friend. You my best friend. You're my best friend. [laughter] Yes. But guess what? Uh being your spouse's best friend takes intimacy to a whole another level. Listen, the Bible even has remedy for this. I know you're like, "The Bible, the Yes, the Bible has the great enemy." So look, it Songs of Solomon 5:16 says it this way. His mouth is most sweet. The NIV says his mouth is sweetness in itself. Yes, he is alltogether lovely. Yes. This is my beloved. This is my friend. Come on Bible. Hey, you see that pastor? The Bible say his mouth is sweetness. Yeah. Yeah.

All together lovely. My beloved, my friend. Jodicy didn't say it like that. Okay. Listen. Listen. If we can see our soulmate first. Yeah. As a son and as a daughter of God and then as a friend. Yeah. You always have that foundational viewpoint in your marriage and in your relationship. And so before I am her husband, before this is my wife, before I am a man, before this is a woman, this is God's daughter. I am God's son. And we are friends. And let me just say this real quick. Some of us are not friendly. You got to be friendly. It's not even about marriage or husband or meeting expectation or leadership or this or

that. Some of y'all just forgot how to be friendly. Friendly. Be a friend to each other. Yeah. That's a starting point. Even before husband and wifeing, like like be each other's friend. All right. Number three. Apologize correctly. Did you know there's such a thing? Wives, did you did you know there was a I'm joking. [laughter] Okay, man. We could be walking apologies sometime. It's just like But no, I'm joking. Listen, but apology does have a love language. Okay. So, like we talked about earlier in the women's session, we talked about there was five love languages by Gary Chapman, right? There's also five languages of apology that he did. Did y'all know that?

That there are f Okay, mindblowing. This was one of those moments for us. Okay, just real quick because guys didn't talk about this about five love languages. Guys, are y'all familiar that Gary Chapman has this book that he talks about five love languages? And so we we'll get that for you. You can research that later. Ladies, y'all went over what those five love languages are, but those are acts of service or gifts or words of affirmation, touch, time, all of those different things. And one of those is a is a primary language. and we learn to love each other through our gifts. In addition to that, there are also five languages of apology. The book is called uh when sorry isn't enough. And uh we communicate completely differently and in regards to how we receive apologies.

So there's five different ones. We're going to start with this one. This one is expressing regret. That's when somebody says, "I'm sorry." For many of us, this is like this is when somebody says, "Will you truly forgive me?" We need to see that person that we've injured. Um, and it's like a regret. Give an example of that. Okay. So, expressing regret is you saying, um, I recognize what I've done. Okay. In other words, um I've had a person when I've got some fresh white sneakers on and they step on my sneakers or whatever and they say, "My bad. Yikes." Like that's an apology. My bad. And to them, they may feel like they said they

they're sorry. They're acknowledging that they did something, but there's no regret. There was not like, "Oh my god, dude. I'm I'm so sorry. You know, can I wipe that off? You know, my I really didn't mean to do that." like expressing regret is showing I am I'm sorry that that that happened. Um I'm sorry that that happened. Now accepting responsibility is the second one uh of the of the five. Accepting responsibility is I'm sorry that that I hurt you. Not I'm sorry that that happened. I'm sorry I hurt you. And so yours Yeah. This is mine. I'm a accept responsibility guy. Okay. So, there is no apology y'all to him if I didn't say my fault. I'm sorry.

That was my bad. I can say I'm sorry. I can go all out. If I did not acknowledge who did it, who did it? If you don't acknowledge that, this is not an apology to him. And he can't hear anything you're saying up until you get to the part of my bad. If you say it's my responsibility, it's my fault. Now, he can hear everything that you say. But until you say those words to him, it's not an apology. Yeah. And so, as we're going through this, you'll see that the third one is genuinely repenting. Of course, we know what repentance is. That is turning from a behavior. This one's mine, y'all. Yeah. Genuine repentance. And well, no, as you Yeah. Yeah. That's right. This one's mine. Genuine repentance. Guess what? When somebody does something wrong, I'm so sorry. means nothing.

My fault means nothing. What are you going to do now? What are you going to do now that to ensure that this is not going to happen again? Otherwise, it's blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. To me, it's not really an apology unless you let me know what comes. Now, what are you not going to do the next time so that this doesn't happen again? That to me is what is a genuine apology. Another one is requesting forgiveness. this is after all the stuff that potentially is there. Oh, it was my fault or I'm so sorry. I can't believe that I did this and and uh this the other. Most people have never said, "Hey, um will you forgive me? Will you please forgive me? Will you it was my fault. I I regret what I did. X Y and Z. This is what I'll do so that never happens again, but will

you forgive me?" Uh and then the last one is making restitution. Making restitution is, hey, all of these things happened. this is what I'm gonna do about it. Will you accept this for me making up, you know, for what was done? Now, with with those with those five things, all right, some of you have been apologizing to your spouse in a language that they haven't received. I we have been in spaces where we are ministering to a couple and a guy was just dastardly in in the relationship and she cannot get over it and it's just difficult for her to get over it and it's repeated cycle and he keeps saying I said I'm sorry I keep saying what do you you want me to do I say it over and over again I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm you want me to

say it again I'll say it again I'm sorry this that the other and because he's taking responsibility for for it. But he's not expressing regret. He didn't ask to be forgiven. He didn't all of those things. He's trying to give an apology in a language that she doesn't speak that she doesn't speak. In the same way, like Kristen was saying with me, I'm a accept responsibility kind of guy. Oh, I'm sorry that this happened and this and that and here's what we're going to do next time and this and that and we're going to make it better. Yeah. Yeah. Who's whose fault was it? Who that? That's what I want to know. I want to know the person that says, "Hey, my bad." Because as a leader, I'm the guy that when something goes down and pastor is extremely happy, I say, "Hey, everybody did that." If pastor is not happy, I'm the guy as a leader that says, "Hey, pastor, that was on me."

Because good leader takes responsibility. You know what I'm saying? For the people that they are that they are serving. And so from this standpoint, what we're giving you these five languages of apology, the best language of apology is putting all five together. Safeguard yourself. Yeah. That's that's how you do it. So here's here's what a good solid fivestep apology sounds like. It says, "I am so sorry. I truly regret that my actions caused this. Here's what I'm going to change in this area. These are the steps that I'm going to do to make sure it doesn't happen again. And with God's help, it's not going to happen again. And will you forgive me? Will you forgive me for what I done? And by the way, um I got two

tickets to the Portland game if you if you want to go well done x y and z. Right. So you express regret, you take responsibility, you show genuine remorse, you say what you're going to do so that it doesn't happen again. And in those different spaces of doing those things, you are able to uh what was that last one? Make restitution. Offer a way to make it better. Proverbs 15 and1 says this, a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. church, you got to learn how to apologize correctly. All right, number four. This is a way to make it last forever. All right, number four. Limit technology. Limit technology.

We understand technology is important, but listen, they're not more important than your family. It's not more important than your spouse. Yeah. And we have to establish techfree zones in order to have safe places. So for us, we do this at the dinner table. You cannot bring your phone to the dinner table. You cannot text or talk or those kind of things. If you do, everyone mocks you. It's awesome. So, who are you talking to that's so important that's more important than us? Oh, yeah. We verbally shame anybody with a phone. It's rough in these parts. Yo, a lot of times when we go out with other couples or whatever, we'll take our phones and put them in a thing like we'll actually sit them in a little bin in the center and we'll say whoever reaches for their phone first, they pay the bill for everybody. I know. It's it's wild. Oh, it cures a lot of things.

Yeah. Hey, but but I mean it's it's simple things bae because it's almost like what happens is if if we if we are having communication and and um you know we're engaged but at the same time you know I don't want to miss you know I'm waiting for an important text or this or that or whatever and I'm I'm here here with you. What does it say? What does it say to me? whatever I'm doing or about to do is more important than you, which is not what is really in his heart, but this can make it feel that way. Right. And so, we want to make sure that we never make our spouse feel second fiddle to anything or anyone. Yeah, that's right. All right.

Do y'all see this? And and even even this still sends a message. Yeah. This still sends a message. We and we know life is important. We We know you got stuff. We We get that. But there was a time we didn't even have this y'all. Yeah. Like Like in my life, like when I was in college, it wasn't It was not so. Yeah. Like you had to have two dimes and a hope and a wish [laughter] that she gonna find the right people. Two dimes and a wish is crazy. [laughter] All right. But uh uh what's interesting, we said that most of us spend our waking moments two separate is away from each other.

Yeah. Twothirds of our waking hours, we're apart from each other. Another third or whatever we're like sleeping. That's it, right? But so why would you spend the most valuable time that you have with your spouse on your phone with somebody else? And let me tell you something. I bet when you're on your phone, you can't even remember what you were doing or who you were talking to or what was so important. Scroll, scroll, scroll. Who what do you care about somebody else's highlight reel? Let their lives be so and let your lives be real. Yeah. They say social media um is not a diary. It's a billboard. And most of us treat it like it's a diary. Um but time is something that you cannot get back. So use it wisely. The way we've said is stop spending time. Stop spending time.

Stop spending time. Start investing time. That's it. There you go. Many couples are more interactive with your electronic device than you are with your own spouse. When you get up in the first, what's the first thing you reach for in the morning? What's the first thing you reach for in the morning? Do you reach reach up across the bed and tap that tail real quick or No, no, no, no. We don't reach for the phone on your phone. What's the first app on your phone that you're opening that's so important in the morning? It best to be. That's the best thing that you can have. We might have to do a phone check and see if the Bible app is the first one y'all open up. Probably the text.

Probably the text one is probably the first one. the Bible might be like in the top five or 10 or something. I don't know. But the truth is is that when we make these small changes, they may seem small, but the truth is it could be the grace that your spouse needs. It could be the open communication that your spouse needs. A lot of you, it's funny, you are more intimate with your phone than you are with your spouse because you spend more time with it [snorts] than you do with your spouse. What signal does it give to your spouse when you would prefer to be on that than to speak with them, to be with them? Yeah. Be more interactive with your spouse. That's all we're saying. That's that's another way to make it last forever. All right. Number five, honesty and truth are non-negotiable. That's how you make it last forever. Honesty and truth are nonnegotiable. If you are

ashamed of something, if you are feel guilty about something, if you're navigating something, you got to be able to be honest with your spouse. Proverbs 12 and 22 says this. Uh, lips that lie are disgusting to the Lord, but honest people are his delight. This right here is golden. Yeah. Being honest with God gets you forgiven. Yes. Being honest with yourself gets you free. Being honest with others gets you healed. I'm going to say it again because it was worth saying again. Being honest with God gets you forgiven. Being honest with yourself gets you free. And being honest with others gets you healed. That's right. Y'all want to be healed?

Yeah. James 5 and 16 says this, "Confess your sins to each other." Yep. and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. In other words, when we confess our sins to God, he is faithful to save us. That's right. Us acknowledging that Yep. God is faithful to forgive us. Yep. But being saved and being forgiven doesn't necessarily get you healed. It's when we confess our sins one to another to our spouse that he is faithful to heal us.

That's it. In other words, don't just get forgiven, get healed, get healed. Yeah. Good place to take just take a second pause. I want to sit there because this is something that the men spoke about just a little bit in our session. We talked about if your spouse isn't healed, you aren't healed. Y'all are not healed. I'm going to make an appeal right now to the wives in this space. I'm doing this on behalf of of our God. I'm doing it on behalf of a man who has been through a journey where my wife has I don't even know how to how to how to

put this the right way. The the only thing I can say is I am asking you to allow God to create in you the safe space for you to become the safe space for your husband to be healed. Mhm. If your husband doesn't know how to ask, yeah, I am asking on behalf of your husband that you would ask God, ask the Holy Spirit to give you the capacity. Y to be a safe space to navigate the thing that can help your husband get healed.

We shared some things in here early. We've shared some things all over the weekend. We've talked about marital stuff we've been through. I in our session today, I talked about some abusive stuff I had been through as a child. Like we have shared some things and the only way I was able to heal and we've heard this people have been for we've heard guys that said, uh, God forgave me. I just couldn't forgive myself or you know, I forgive myself, but my that person won't forgive me. You don't just want to be forgiven. You don't just want to be saved. you want to get healed and part of our being here would really really suck for us to be here and leave here and you still not allow God to heal you. And so the plea is if you would ask the Holy Spirit to create a space in you, a capacity, you can't you cannot do it on your own. You

cannot do it on your own strength. But if God would give you the capacity to be a safe space so that when or if your husband really desired to get free and he said, "Babe, I need you to be able to to receive this from me that you have the capacity to be the safe place that you and God together can help your entire marriage get healed." Are y'all tracking with me, ladies? I know this is tough, but ignorance is not bliss. Not being the safe space doesn't mean you're safe. Just because you've chosen to opt out of being that space that can help you and your husband get to the next level of where your marriage is destined to go. Love it. I'll leave that with that. All right.

Number six. This is cool because this came up in our lady session, too. Um but um this is something that I think is going to be really helpful for the men and helpful for the ladies as well. Um learn to cherish your spouse. Cherish. During most weddings, the bride and the groom, they make vows to love, to honor, and to cherish. That's right. This is probably something that you vowed on your wedding day. But we spend a lot of time on the love part. We spend a lot of time on the honor part, but we don't spend a lot of time on the cherish part. Why? Because I don't think we've properly understood the magnitude or the the the depth of the importance of the cherish

part. That's right. Cherish is a word that has great meaning. And if we can agree to apply this to our marriages and uphold these vows that we've already taken so many years ago for some of us, God brings a new level of enjoyment to our relationship that is beyond the commitment. Yeah. The definition of cherish goes like this. It's something that you hold dear, something to be mindful of or nurture or to cling to. Yeah. I can love someone from a distance. I can love you and not cherish you. That's right. I can honor someone from a distance. I can honor you and not cherish you. That's right. In order for someone or something to be cherished, there's a different level of intimacy that is required. It's a joy of having someone close, a proximity.

A cherished memory is something that always stays on your mind. It's an item, a gift. Do you have something that you hold dear? You cherish it, right? Maybe it's an old photo. Maybe it's a stuffy. Maybe it's a whatever that may be. It's something that you hold close to your heart. To love and to cherish something, they're not the same. They're complimentary words, but one does not replace the other. But here's the difference. Love is a commitment. Cherishing is the joy and the pleasure that comes from the commitment. Can we say that one more time? I want to slow that down. Love Yeah. is the commitment. Cherishing is the joy and the pleasure that comes from the commitment. Now, that's a revelation.

Learning to cherish our spouse is the next level of turning your marriage from an obligation to a delight. Yeah, you may be familiar with the scripture that instructs us on the commitment of love. And I'm sure you guys have read this a million times. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love isn't jealous. It doesn't sing its own praises. It's not arrogant. It isn't rude. It doesn't think about itself. It isn't irritable. It doesn't track wrongs. It isn't happy when injustice is done. But it is happy with the truth. Love never stops being patient. Never stops believing. Never stops hoping. Never gives up. Yeah, that's what God says love is. That's when we look at the commitment part of love and what it requires. But when we look at the scripture from a cherishing

mindset, it's completely different. We see the joy and the pleasure and the delight in being committed. Yeah. So when I think about treasuring my husband, I think more like Songs of Solomon, right? I'm thinking more like Psalms of Solomon 21:14. Let me see how lovely you are. Let me hear the sound of your melodious voice. Now I can hear it now. Your your husband may not be able to sing like mine, so I get that. [laughter] Songs of Solomon 1:16 says it this way. She speaks, "My love, you are so handsome. Truly handsome. The fresh green grass will be our wedding bed." Come on, Bible. Come on, Bible. Fresh green grass going to be the wedding bed in the forest, pastor. Come on. That's deeper than love Oregon.

In Oregon, Oregon. [laughter] Yeah. That's That's more than just love. That's enjoyment. Yeah. Love and cherish are not opposites. They compleiment and they complete each other and they're both needed so that your spouse can feel the fullness of how you love and cherish them. to my guys. Yes, your wife wants to know that not only will you love her and be committed to her and never leave her, she also wants to know that you cherish her, that you hold her dear, that you pleasure in her, that you delight in her. Song of Psalms 4 and 7 says, "You are altogether beautiful, my darling. There is no flaw

in you." Song of Songs 4:9 says, "You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes, uh, with a single jewel of your necklace." Song of Psalms 1 and 15 says, "Behold, you are beautiful, my love. Behold, you are beautiful when eyes are doves." Like, listen y'all, you hear this? That's Bible. You don't even have to make it up. He got you. He got your back. Cherish. Cherish your spouse. It actually creates joy and delight and pleasure. That's what you're looking for. That's the peace you're missing. You're I want to I want to have sex. You want to cherish your wife so she can't wait to have sex with you.

Come on. Listen, I'm telling you, when her heart is full, she it encourages her to cling to you. I'm telling you, it will draw her closer than anything you could ever think of. It is the way that God's God's giving you the intimate words that you can even speak. You don't even have to make it up. Yeah. As we draw closer to God, we feel how he cherishes us. Wouldn't it be amazing if you could mirror what the father has given you back to your spouse? Yeah, that would be amazing. Yeah. Don't lose that cherish part. That part is so important. Absolutely. And let me go just a little further and just say whatever this looks like, that's what this is going to look like. And so if you don't cherish the time that you spend with God, if it's kind of I just got to I got to get it done. I

did my devotional time and I'm good. I knocked it out or whatever. I I checked it. That that's what this becomes. And from the standpoint of I want to spend time with God. I want to spend time in the scriptures. want God to download into me. I want this relationship to be something that when I'm in it, I almost don't want to leave it because when you are cherishing that, meaning you are holding it close, whatever this looks like, that's what this is going to look like. Yes, sir. All right. Number seven. We're almost there. Keep the element of surprise. Surprise. Spontaneity. Yeah, man. Spontaneity. Listen. Don't just go through the motions. That's it. You got to think through fun stuff. You got to go glamping. You gotta [laughter] get some intimacy. Uh keep keep everything alive.

Picnic in the park. Keep it fun. New restaurant. Absolutely. Listen your new activity. The the date boxes that you got where you were painting. That's dope. Whole new thing. New lingerie. We talked about this. Ladies, say that again. Amen. Amazon comes to you. You don't even have to go to the store anymore. You better go. What the world? That's what I'm talking about. New travel adventures. My god. It can be local and up the street. It's not even a financial thing. Be creative. It's about being creative, man. Listen, have a picnic in your room. Shut the door. Lock the door. Have a picnic in your room. It's a whole thing. Do some stuff, y'all. Yes. Do some stuff. Y'all hear me? Make it fun. Make it exciting. Do some stuff. Just try try and just spontaneity. Try and make sure that you don't just get into the same old same

old. We often say, "What it took to catch him, it takes to keep him." Amen. What it took to catch her, it takes to keep her. And guess what? If you guys have been married for a long time, don't you dare tell me that you don't date anymore because that's a done deal. Dear God, love that lady. She stuck in with the long haul. I need you to love her relentlessly. She's worthy of that date. She's worthy of going that extra mile. Yeah. your your spouse is the is the my my my wife is my wife is bad and and that that's not bad meaning bad but bad meaning good, you [laughter] know, but but I want her to be a reflection of

what I'm trying to pour into her of of how I'm loving and how I'm gardening and how I'm watering and and how I'm I'm in my word and I'm trying to make sure that I'm doing the things I need to do so that my wife is a reflection. You know, I'm I'm 57. I'm 57 years young and people will see me and be like, "Oh, Monte, you're 57. You look so good." I'm wellkept, man. I I got a gardener who is taking care to make sure that we are in good spaces to be able to to have the long life and and the long haul with each other. Absolutely. Number eight. Number eight, eliminate you statements when you when this is how you make it last forever. Facts. When you're communicating with your spouse, you must eliminate you statements. You always do this. You did this on purpose. When you did this, you

made me feel like this. When we assign blame to our spouse, we put the oness on somebody else. And that makes them defensive. When you back somebody up into a corner, their only choice is to come out swinging. They're going to defend themselves. They have to. They have to. That's human nature. And this is a simple mindset. We have to think about this. What would happen or what happened um to us doesn't mean that they did it. So what we we talked about this earlier in our session too um when this happened, this is how it made me feel. You can't tell me how I feel. I can tell you that this situation made me feel like this. Now he has to reflect and say, "Wow, that wasn't my intention.

That wasn't what I was thinking." Now he could retract and try to fix what that was. But if I say you did this, you did that. like he has to defend himself. Yeah. When we don't put somebody on the defense, then it allows us to communicate at a different level. Absolutely. So, just so I understand it for the guys that didn't maybe get that earlier, you have to eliminate you statements. Yo, you made when you did this da when you did this da da. You don't want to do that. You want to be able to say when this happened, this is how I felt. Not when this happened, you made me this. When this happened, this is how I felt. Because no one can tell you how you felt. And I'm going to say to the guys, if your wife says, "When this happened, this is how I felt." And you say, "You didn't feel like that." I'm going to tell you in the spirit,

"Shut up." You cannot tell you cannot tell your wife how she felt. That's it. That's disrespectful to try and sell tell someone how they felt. So respectfully, I'm asking you not when they come out and say when you did it when you, but if they're making the adjustment to be able to say when this happened, this is how I felt. Process that and try and find out what part of that did I play in that because it's no longer being pointed at you. And because nobody else is pointing at you, it's up to Holy Spirit within you to now be able to distinguish, okay, this is my part in this. And when I'd realized that when this happened, that was really hurtful. Was that me? If that was me, I want to be able to take new responsibility, you know, for that. All right. Number nine, honor and respect.

Honor is a big one. We are called to be his biggest cheerleader with the pompoms and the little short skirt. Sorry. Yikes. I'm sorry. There are two needs that [laughter] there are two needs that every man has. These are core needs of your husband. Honor and respect. Do you know that men will stay in a loveless marriage as long as you honor and respect them? Isn't that crazy? Yeah. Now us, we're like, "Wait a minute. I want to feel loved." Their whole core existence is about honor and respect. Yeah. The definition of honor is to greatly esteem or hold in high regard. A person that you highly honor, you won't speak to any kind of way.

That's a fact. When you esteem someone, you admire them. You value them and you act accordingly. The definition of respect is a feeling of deep admiration or warm approval for someone. And so we honor each other when husbands we honor each other when husbands love and when wives respect. Do you know in the Bible it doesn't say it that way? Right? So this is what you need to understand. In the Bible it says Romans 12:10, "Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourself." Yeah. But what the Bible does is it doesn't tell him to honor me. You know why? He's built like that. He's going to honor me. That's his design. But it does tell him to love me because that's not his natural inclination. That's right.

My natural inclination is to love. So I don't have a problem loving him. My natural inclination comes when I have to honor. That means I got to when I feel like I'm not going to say anything to God's son. I'm going to honor him. I'm going to respect him. Yeah. I think y'all y'all missing that. men. God tells us to love our wives and he tells us to love them because that's not what innately we were designed to do. Honoring is easy for us. Me and this dude right here, we can get into a fist fight and then be like, "Hey man, you want to, you know, go out and get a burger? You're cool." We just we just got into a big argument argument, a big brawl or whatever, and right after we could be like, "Oh, cool." Because honor amongst men is something that we just do naturally.

When it comes to love, that's like super awkward for us. When it comes to women, part of the challenge is they were designed with the love that God didn't say love your husband. You don't have to. That was from Genesis that that you your heart is after your husband. And so the love thing is easy. But the honoring thing, a lot of times women have difficulty uh functioning with other women because the culture of honor is just different. you know how to love, but some women can be kind of cutthroat with each other because you don't understand that certain cultures of honor don't exist in women like they do in men. Trust me on this. This is why God says we I need you. I know you got the love thing. I need you to honor and respect him. Doing something you can't do on your own. You need me to help you do that. And for us guys, we know you can honor and respect, but I need you to

love. I need you to do something for her that is out of your natural uh capacity to be able to do. And to my guys, love is not optional. It's not. It is a requirement. If you're not honoring your wife by loving her, that can hinder your prayers. Loving that is our responsibility. 1 Peter 3:7 says, "In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God's gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered. And Kristen, you said that and this is to my husbands and this is a sad truth. A man

can survive without love as long as he feels respected. And a woman will endure disrespect if she feels loved. We both have to bring our 110% to the table to make sure that the marriage is complete. And this is the last one. Number 10 is vision. Vision. Vision. You have to have a vision for your marriage. That's how you make it last forever. You got to have a vision. If someone was starting a business and didn't have a vision statement, would you invest in it? No. You'd say, "That's ludicrous. I wouldn't do it and I should hope not." and for the most important relationship this side of heaven. Do you have a vision? Yeah. And if you don't, now is the time. Proverbs 29:18 says it this way. Where there is no vision, the people perish.

That's right. Please hear us y'all when we leave here on this weekend. Um, this may be the single most important thing that you have ever written. Meaning, if you don't currently have a vision for your marriage or today is a beautiful day to begin spending some moments with God, with your spouse, and starting to plan out his vision for your marriage. Notice I said his vision for your marriage. And you start to write them down. I mean, tangibly, not just on a computer, not just in your phone. Print them out so they exist not just in your mind but in your heart. In your heart, but we want them to be out visibly in the atmosphere for you to be able to have that vision out.

It's important to set goals and cast vision for your marriage. You got to write them down. You got to organize your plans and you have to put them into action. Habach 2 2 and 3 says, "Then the Lord said to me, write my answer plainly on tablets so that the runner can carry the correct message to others. The vision is for the future time. It describes the end and it will be fulfilled. If it seems slow and coming, wait patiently for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed. And I love the contemporary English version of this. It says, "Then the Lord told me, I will give you my message in the form of a vision. Write it clearly enough to be read at a glance. At the time I have decided, my words will come true. You can trust what I say about your future. It may take a long time, but keep on waiting. It will happen.

That's right. And so, we want to close out by saying this. Vision is super super important. Kristen and I, we tucked away. And when we were starting Marriage Masterpiece and doing all the things that we were doing to provide the talks and the everything that we've been sharing with you, pouring out our hearts before y'all, we went away with the Lord and we said, "Lord, what is the vision that you have for our marriage? What is the vision you have for our family? What is the vision you have for our ministry?" And we very clearly were able to write out the vision. The vision. And what God gave us is that when men and women are reconciled to God, they can be reconciled to each other.

And a man and a woman who can be reconciled to God can be a better husband and a better wife. And a better husband and a better wife can be a better parent. And a better parent can be a better church person. And a better church person can build a better community. And a better community can build a better world. And so all that we've been doing here this weekend is honestly not about your marriage. Everything that we've been here has really been focused on this, what this looks like. You as a son, you as a daughter, what does this look like? Now, all the stuff we're doing with the marriage, all the content, all the resources, all the the trips, all those different things, all that's great, but

the main thing God is after is what this is right here. Because whatever this looks like, that's what this is going to look like. And so, the goal now at this point is for you to be able to go with your spouse, not give a vision. You know, I know vision boards, you know, have with the Bentley and the house and this that the other. When you sit down with the Lord and say to God, "What is the vision for our marriage? What does a successful marriage even look like for us?" Yeah. Some of you don't know that. You wouldn't know if you even had a successful marriage because you don't know what you're shooting for. That's it. Is it having kids and grandkids, being financially free and and serving in the church or making this amount of trips a year or this or that? If you haven't sat

down with God for him to be able to say, "Here's what a successful kingdom marriage looks like for you and your marriage." When you have that target, and then you write that target out, you know what to what to shoot for. I need y'all to know it's got to not just be in your mind. You have to visibly be able to see it so you can remember it. And if anybody else sees it, anybody at a glance, they can at a glance be able to know what the vision is for your marriage. Pastors, we're about to call you up uh because I think we're going to do a prayer time before we we uh set this thing um you know, to be done for the weekend. But man, I just really feel like vision for your marriage could be a next

step. Some of you, you may want to come to the Jordan River and spend a couple days and plot some vision stuff out. I don't know. Like I say, your cousin's in Atlanta. We would love to to have you come and be with us there. But it really, really, really is important for you to not only take all this content, all this information because it's a lot. Yeah. But now to go back to the Lord and ask him, Father, with all this stuff, what are my takeaways? What are my takeaways? What is the vision for us moving forward? Because the Bible tells us without a vision, the people perish. People perish. and cast off restraint. You got a lot of knowledge. Yeah. Information is knowledge or knowledge is information. Wisdom is application.

And so now that you got the knowledge, you got the information, it is up to you as a couple to become wise and do the application so that you can now start making your marriage a masterpiece because there's hope. There is hope for your marriage. There's hope for your healing. There is hope for everything that you are desiring your spouse to become and everything you are desiring yourself to become. Yeah. And we're just super grateful that we could leave a small impartation here. Absolutely. In Ben, Oregon. America.