Origins, Patterns, and Triggers: Fighting Fair in Marriage

[applause] Yeah. Uh, all right, y'all. How was that? That last session? Good. Good for everybody. Some good stuff. Ah, testing. Testing. One, two, three. Am I on here? You got me. There we go. All right. All right. All right. Y'all doing all right? It say it's like drinking from a fire hose today. It's just like just this morning. It's just just coming at y'all. But hopefully you are enjoying uh the investment you're making in your marriage. Uh today it's a big deal. You know, you know, a lot of people don't do this. Yeah. A lot of people don't do this. Um and so I'm grateful we get to be with y'all. Uh today we're going to dive in uh to this

next uh session breakout session. I know up here it says fair and talking well, meaning fighting fair and talking well. And we're going to talk about that. And I think one of the things that uh we get the opportunity to do is um we get the opportunity to share this message with you. The objectives of course we always like to lay those out. Uh we've said this before that if you put first things first, you can make it last forever. Uh if you take divorce off the table, you can make it last forever. Uh and when we strengthen and refresh and renew hope for your marriage, you can make it last uh forever. We love this next uh breakout session because we have a a podcast upcoming in

the next couple of months. Uh, and this was a topic that we addressed because this was a hot topic. One we kept getting conversations over, one we kept getting questions over of how do we get rid of our triggers? How do we uh overcome our triggers? How do we talk well? How do we communicate better? All those different pieces. And so we came up with this title. Uh, you down with OPT? Yeah, you know me. You down with OPT. Uh, and OPT stands for origins, patterns, and triggers. Origins, patterns, and triggers. Um, first of all, a pattern is whatever it is you keep repeating over and over and over again.

That's right. Uh if you are a video game person, you know that a pattern is something that is needed to help you get to a certain level. Meaning if you played Miss Pac-Man, there were certain things that you could just get in there and halfhazardly try and do what you do. But if you knew the pattern on each board, whatever video game it is, sometimes there are these patterns. But we develop patterns sometimes that served us well at one part in our lives but do not serve us well in the next in our marriages now. And so we're going to discuss conflict. We're going to discuss talking well uh with each other. Uh but we're going to discuss this in this in the place of patterns, origins, and triggers or ordered patterns and triggers. Oh my. Uh Galatians chapter 6

and verse 7 says this. Do not be deceived. God is not Don't be tripping y'all. Don't trip y'all. God is not mocked. For whatever one sws that will they also reap. So the question is, what are you reaping in your marriage? My mama always used to say, you can't plant peas and get corn. Yeah. Doesn't work like that. This means if you're seeing the fruit of conflict in your marriage, it's because that's what you planted. Yeah. You get that? And truthfully, many of us are eating the fruit from trees that we did not plant. Say that again. Many of us are eating fruit from the trees we did not plant. Those seeds can be even generational. That's right. This is the truth.

What's really going on is these are things that happened before you. These are patterns or things that we learned in our former life or in our previous life or our younger life and those things matter. So when it comes to um when you say origins, patterns and triggers, uh an origin, an origin is where something came from, where something began. Yeah. In other words, Batman became Batman because because billionaire dad and mom get killed in an alleyway potentially by the Joker and all these things happen that lead this kid down the pathway of justice and X Y and Z.

And so we know who Batman is, but why Batman is is because there was an origin story of how he came about. And so each of you and who you are, yes, as a husband, as a wife, there's an origin story that each of you have that created the person that you are now today, even in your marriage. And patterns is what we do or who we are and what we keep doing over and over again. Yeah. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. And the trail between what you saw and what you do are what we call triggers and they're buried in between. And it can often be like a line a landmine. Yeah.

Right. These triggers that are in between these two places. So don't miss this. The origin is where it came from. Mhm. The pattern is what you keep doing and the trail between the origin and the pattern is where the triggers are buried based on where everything came from. Every story has an origin story and it didn't start with you. So in regard to an origin story, it's something that you saw. Yep. It's something you experienced. It's something that you learned. That is all something that did not even necessarily have to do with you. Could have been your parents, could have been grandparents, could have been pastors. It could have been something in your past that you saw or viewed, but it's something you saw, experienced, or something you learned. And now it's

showing up as a pattern in what you do. That's it. That's the pattern. And so when you recognize that, you're not just reacting uh to a moment. You're normally now reacting to a pattern. Something you see your husband does, you think you're reacting to that moment. No, you're reacting to a pattern. Something your wife does that you think, "Oh, she did that." No, you're reacting not to what happened in that moment. You're reacting to the pattern. Right. That's right. And listen, and most patterns, they didn't start in your marriage. I know you might think that, but the truth is they didn't start there. They started way before your spouse ever showed up. So you're walking out these things and the trail between an origin and a pattern, those things are the triggers, but you're walking those things out and you're not knowing where the landmines are. And so how

you're getting in these altercations and how you're having this miscommunication is because you're stepping on the very triggers that are causing them to erupt based on their past and based on what was already previously there. And you just don't know where those things lie or where they land. That's right. And what's interesting is if you ever heard people say, "Oh, you're triggering me or she triggered me." That that whole statement about being being triggered. Here's the truth that most people don't realize. Um the trigger doesn't belong to the person who set it off. Yikes. For the people in the back, the trigger doesn't belong to the person who set it off. Yeah.

It belongs to you. Yeah, it's your trigger. Your trigger. And your trigger normally comes from something before you. That's right. There's an origin story. Okay. So, perfect perfect example here. I measure my food. Like, it's crazy, y'all. I'm I'm not I'm not gonna I'm not going to hold you. Like when we are finished, the last bite of meat, the last bite of potatoes, the last bite of broccoli at the same time. I am surgical with it. I am methodical. I listen I everything that I eat like like she said, if it's a burger and fries, when

I'm eating the last bite of burger, I'm taking the last fry. I I I measure my food. And what I recognize is that my wife will know I measure my food and somehow just reach over in my plate and just take something off. It's a pride tax, y'all. You know this. Like, you have to take this into account. You're destroying everything I built. I I literally now like if I go and cut up an apple and cut and take some peanut butter, I'll cut up like an extra apple and just put extra on the plate because I know when I get in there she's going to want some of my apple. And I have a question for you. Like you didn't take like you have to think like

you go to the the kitchen and you cut up an apple. Like think baby, baby, you want something? No, I'm good. I'm still going to Apple tax you. Come on, man. And then it's let me hover something. Let Let me hover something. Like, what do you All right. So, so, so here's the origin. Okay. So, so here here's the origin. When I was a kid, um, I grew up and with a family that we didn't have food that was sitting on the table family style where everybody could eat what they what they wanted. I grew up in lack. I grew up in poverty. I grew up where my mom made the food in the kitchen and brought the food out to the table and she placed the food in front

of my dad and my siblings in that. My dad got the big piece of chicken. I normally got a wing. My brother got a leg. My sister like literally I knew when I got my plate and I had one small chicken wing and a big thing of mashed potatoes. I knew there was not an abundance and I knew that chicken was all there was going to be. But my mom was making a meal and so she gave us more potatoes to be filling. So I grew up taking a tiny vit of chicken and a great big scoop of mashed potatoes. I know it sounds crazy maybe to some of you. My mom would make a big stack of pancakes, big bisquick pancakes, and have two little tiny strips of bacon. And so because I love bacon, I would take a big chunk of pancakes, like a big mouthful of

pancakes, and take a little tiny piece of bacon. So that when I was done with my pancakes, I was finishing everything at the same time. So now, this is my origin story. My my measuring of food is not based on French fries. No, my measuring of food is not based on selfishness. My measurement of food is based out of lack. Yeah. And because I have an anxiety and a fear over lack and because it was my self-preservation method that I lived at a time when there was not enough. And so I made it enough. And so now that we have a house, here comes me, a home where we can lay food out and you can have a bunch of food and a bunch of

this and you can have more than enough and leftovers for days to come and and all of that. Still there's a part of me that the pattern does not serve me well. The pattern may have served me as a child but now as an adult that pattern that I did back then does not serve me well now. Like we got plenty of apples. We got plenty of peanut butter. We can get more French fries. All of that. But somehow there's still this childhood part of me. I'm telling y'all, if I take a French fry out of this m like it's like an outer body experience. [laughter] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. But the truth is is that we have more than enough. In fact, this behavior actually leads us to have always more

than enough. Almost the opposite, right, of doing the m. Yeah. We never not have enough to the point as we always have so many leftovers and waste. So it can have a pendulum swift too. That pattern served me then but it does not pattern does not serve me now. Now pattern for you. Oh man. Right. Same thing can happen. Same thing same thing can be true and it's my origin story. Remember my origin story of my parents having been married six times by the time I'm 19. What I learned is when you go to the next season, you close the door on that chapter and you move forward. You don't look back. You don't ask questions. You don't have any idea why this is ending.

And as a child, this is perplexing, right? Because I got questions. We like we lived on a farm in Arizona and I had a horse and it was my favorite thing in the world to go horseback riding. And when this season came to a close in scene, literally today we live on a farm, tomorrow we live in California. And none of those things exist. So So my wife has the spirit of goodbye. Oh man, do I have the spirit of goodbye, y'all? If you're not familiar with the spirit of goodbye. Listen, this is this a Oh, you're done. You want to act out? Oh, okay. You're acting like a No problem. Say laie and goodbye. Bye.

No second chances. No. Let's get this right. Let's talk about this. Let's feel goodbye. And and and listen, that was helpful then because it helped me to survive because I didn't understand or comprehend as a child moving to the next chapter without any questions or any thoughts or any contribution whatsoever to what was happening to me next. And so my uncertainty allowed me to veil myself with a self-p protection mechanism that said when it's done, it's done. Let it go. Yeah. But is that when you carry that into the next season, that very thing that protected you in one season can be the very thing that absolutely assaults your person and your purpose moving forward.

Yeah. So if in your childhood having things that may have been inconsistent, Yeah. things that weren't helpful, things that weren't reliable, that pattern develops in you of, hey, close that chapter, start a new one. You can cut people off quickly. Like, oh, this relationship, it's not going the way we need to. Okay. It was good knowing y'all. Bye. And to move to the next, it served her well. And and and here's what it here's what it does out of season. Meaning, here's what that pattern does. Not in that protective place, but what that does later on. What that is is in a situation with other people. Yeah. Where you see something that may be something honest or may be something that you recognize from the past and it's like, "Oh, I see you. I I know you.

Yeah. I I've seen that before. I know you. And no, you don't know them. Yeah. And no, you haven't seen that before. But because you have seen something like it before, it causes you in a new season to formulate a standoffishness or to And I get discernment. Yeah, I get discernment. That's a part of it. Part of it. But right now, you're not reacting to what I'm seeing now. I'm reacting to what I saw previously back then. So, those are some truths about um about this thing that we're talking about right here and about origins, patterns, and triggers. Now, here are some tools to help you communicate. But I want to give you tools to help you navigate not just your origin story, but how to navigate the pattern.

And the first thing you got to do is before you fix it, Yep. you have to see it. Yep. You got to recognize it for what it was. when I was able to when I say why do we measure our food? What are we doing? Like what is that? Talk to me. Tell me what that is because it's weird. And it was weird to me because I mean it was it's like such it's so precise. It's so precision like it's surgical guys. Um but what it is is that if you can look at your heart and see why am I doing this? Then we can address what the real issue is so that we aren't triggered by those things. If I take a French fry off this plate, we're not going to go into, you know, it's not mock 10 that we're on. Um, so McDonald's fries. No. Five Guys fries. There's a problem. I'm joking.

[laughter] I'm joking. No. What is the pattern? What is the thing we keep doing over and over again? I want you to think about your life as well. Think about is there a pattern? Is there something that you do over and over again that did not that did not come from you? Yeah. Yeah. And and ask the Lord, ask the Holy Spirit, Lord, you know, show me, show me me, you know, what is that thing just real real quick? Um I have difficulty swallowing pills like for me medication pills like like I I got to you know, oh do the whole thing like I'm choking to death or whatever. Yeah. I mean the little pill I'm like what? A whole bottle of water. That's what we're doing. But but it comes from trauma. My origin story. My mother used to always say, "Don't put

stuff in your mouth. Don't put stuff in your mouth." As a kid, as a kid, you know, you'd put a nickel in your mouth. Or you would always do dumb stuff as a kid. One day, I'm in the backseat of my car. I got this big white marble and I got this marble in the back of the car and literally and it lodged itself in my throat. I'm in the backseat of the car. I'm I'm probably turning purple eight or nine and what's happening as I am dying literally as I'm it's fixing I am thinking to myself I'm not going to tell my mom I can't tell my mom because she said don't put stuff in my mouth so I literally slide down onto the floor of the backseat of the car and I'm sitting

behind her seat with her driving that way I'm literally sitting on the for choking to death, not wanting my mom to know that I've choked on this marble. I'm trying to swallow it. I'm trying to make it go down. I'm trying to cough it up. And eventually, I spit this white marble up. Handful of spit and everything. And from that time, crying. From that time, I have not been able to sw I can go to a 7-Eleven and get a slurpee and because it's an icy, I have to chew the ice. I can't even swallow. childhood trauma. It's my origin story. So what what happens is why do I keep doing the same thing? How does that origin now affect me in the pattern I am now? And with with you, why

do I shut down? Or maybe why do I overreact? Why do I cut people off? Why do I manipulate or try and control a situation? Whatever your why is you It's not just the pattern isn't just identifying what you do. Yeah. The pattern is why do you do this? And why you do it is because of your origin. The second tool is to trace the origin. Yep. Go back. Go deeper. You got to ask yourself, where did I learn this? Why do I think this is right? Why do I behave like this? What is the reason that I'm behaving in this way? And if you like really take an inventory and check where your heart is at, I assure you, you'll go back to that origin story or that place where it began and then you're able to really dissect it and pull it apart for what it really is.

Yeah. Because most of what we do, we didn't create. We inherited. We inherited it. Yeah. From your childhood. Yeah. You may be inherited from a past relationship. Yeah. It's what you saw growing up. And part of that is recognizing and asking the question, I know this happened then. Does this still serve me now? Does this serve me in my marriage now? Does it serve? Does it serve me with my children right now? Yeah. If it doesn't serve you now, can you can I challenge you to invite the Holy Spirit into that and ask him to change that narrative? And if you ask him, he shall he shall surely come and he will help you to understand and to restructure that thought process or that thought pattern and it will change the trajectory of your life.

Yeah. Because what protected you back then may be hurting you now. That's a fact. All right. And then after you have identified the pattern, you've traced it to the origin. Now you got to expose the triggers. The triggers. You got to expose the triggers. Triggers are like landmines, guys. You don't always see them, but when they go off, it's too late. Once you step on them, it's too late. It's already on Mach 12. It's like click click, and you can feel it, right? And the minute you step on it, you're like, "Ah, snap. Somebody's not going to live." Yeah, [laughter] that's right. And and that's kind of how this goes. But whether it's a reaction or whether you are completely afraid of what's about to happen, you've got to expose

what sets you off so that we can stop it from being a trigger that causes relational strap. That strap that tears and rips through people so much. But these triggers happen because we don't take the time to go back. We don't take the time to look at, hey, why do I do this thing that I do? What is this that sets me off? What makes me talk crazy to my spouse? What makes me shut down and not want to talk about stuff? Yeah, I don't know. Maybe it's you're feeling ignored. Maybe you're feeling unseen. Maybe it's when you were feeling unheard or being disrespected. Whatever that is, because once you can name it, that's when you can start to manage it and walk around and then it doesn't become something that's going to cause um

ancillary shrap devastation. Yeah. [laughter] Like in my mind, I just saw the visual of somebody getting blown to bits because they stepped on that trigger. And that's what can happen sometimes with our spouses when we step on these things that we don't even know where they where it came from. And it's not us that has done it. It is your spouse's thing. It is my thing. It's your thing. But when we allow those triggers to remain in our lives, we're expecting somebody to tiptoe around to get around the things they can't even see. Yeah, that's asinine. When we think about that, like just the visual of that is like you want to tip to toe through the landmines and hopefully not step on one. Yeah. What a terrible way to live. Yeah. For for real. And so staying in it, I think couples not just need truth and tools, they also need to have the

tenacity uh to stay in it. meaning to not only identify it and manage it and we know that God can't heal what we won't reveal. Um tenacity requires us to be honest with yourself. Yeah. Right. Because it's easier to blame your spouse than to face yourself. Isn't that the truth? That's that's a that's true. So tenac here's what tenacity requires. You've got to own your triggers. Yep. You got to own that it's yours. Like when you say, "Oh, you triggered me this and that." You don't just breeze past it. Don't just blow by it like nothing happened. You need to to acknowledge your trigger. Also, you can acknowledge that it wasn't just you. Meaning that this was something that was in me.

And and here's the deal. If your spouse recognizes that they're that they know where your triggers are, it's different if they set the triggers there. [laughter] is different if they know that you're triggered by something. But from that standpoint, uh recognizing that I'm triggered in this situation, but it's not my spouse. I recognize that this is me. This is something that I need to deal with and hoping that my spouse isn't deliberately trying to go and Yeah. and set these things off, you So, one of the things, so for me, when I'm a kid, like um my mom is just trying to survive. She's a single mom. We're in and out of marriages. She's [snorts] in and out of a relationship, but what she's doing is she's just working. She has three jobs. I have a younger

sibling, and I am raising this kid for all intents and purposes. I'm a kid raising a kid. And there are all kinds of nasty fun things that happen here. And the and the truth is is that I didn't feel like I had a voice. I didn't feel like I could be heard. I didn't feel like I could be seen. I felt like my voice was muted and unheard. Right? Because I would say things like, "So, am I going to watch my brother again?" Of course you are. I got to go to work now. She's just trying to live. I don't understand that as a kid, right? So, I am literally cooking, cleaning, doing all the things. So, so fast forward to now. Um, we're going to get married, and we're going to do this house thing

again. But now I have to I had no desire to get married. Why? I already did that. I I mean, I didn't get married, but like I live the whole house life of like taking care of, um, providing, cooking meals, washing clothes, doing all the things. So, that was a trigger for me. I was like, "Yeah, no, I'm good." Here's here's what she's getting to. In our house, the big landmine is leaving dishes in the sink. When I tell you guys, guys, there's there's certain I mean, there's not many things that really take me to the brink, but this one. And I'll tell you why. Here's my trigger. My trigger was when I was a kid, we didn't live in the nicest of neighborhoods cuz she was trying to do the best that she could, right? So when

I would come down, when people would leave stuff in the sink, there were friends that were not so friendly that were all over the dishes when you came down. [laughter] All that meant was handle it. You got to take care of it. I got to get rid of the friends while I do the dishes. Like fear, terrified fear of this. So then now fast forward. So my thing was I'm not not putting the dishes away. So my mom would get so mad. She would say you have to put the dishes away. Okay. So like I know that and I know we'll have friends with sometimes you forget cuz you're a kid and you're dumb and it's a thing. But my mom was the kind of mom that she was like, "Okay, so if you

forget, I won't forget." and she will put them in my bed. So, where did the friends go? So, panic ensues in me, right? So, now fast forward 15, 20 years. And so, now we're married and and you leave dishes in the sink. And I'm like, "What are you doing? You can't leave dishes in the sink." He's like, "Yo, calm down." I was like, "No, I can't calm down." And he's like, "Yo, you are bugging. I'm bug literally bugging guys. I don't want bugs. I can't do bugs. I can't do roaches. Right. And he's like, "Not it's okay." No, it is not okay. But I have to deal with my stuff. That doesn't have to do with now. It's not my new place. This isn't where we live. We

don't live in the hood. This isn't going to happen here. But because of my of my former life has now I've brought it into my current life and it has me freaked out. I'm holding him accountable for something that it has nothing to do with the moment. But this is an unprecedented fear that is br that I brought forward into the now time and it does not serve me well. Yeah. And I know it's this one not not my fault. I I can look and be able to know what my fault is. Um, as as a kid, my job was to do the dishes. So, from the time I was a kid to when I got brothers and sisters and I'm thinking, I do the dishes and then the next one comes up and then they're supposed to do the dishes. Uh-uh. Before I left for college, I was still doing dishes. And so, one of the things, the vows I said to myself

was, when I get older, I ain't never going to wash no dishes. Perfect storm here, right? Okay. So, so literally there are some homes where they say we never eat off paper plates. We always going to eat up. And me, I'm cool with paper plates because paper plate for me says ain't nobody got to wash no dishes and it definitely ain't going to be me. And so in our home when there's a plate or a fork or dish something, chances are it was not me. And but it just becomes it becomes the perfect storm. So, what you need to understand is that if you don't address those triggers, if you don't address those things, we're going to go at it over dishes. Really, guys? Yeah. Like, it's World War III because of dishes. But yeah, because his pattern says, "I'm never washing dishes again." Mine says, "You better not leave dishes

in the sink." And our poor kids are like, "Oh my god, somebody dishes. Somebody do something with their hands." Well, here's why. Listen, we have a dishwasher. What the heck? We We got to What? I was the dishwasher as a I was May Tag as as a kid and now we have dishwasher. We can't even get people to rinse them off and put them in the dishwasher. The point is this. When you have triggers like that. Yeah. That have caused patterns like that. We have to adjust. Yeah. I got to adjust. She's got to adjust. I got to bring more. Meaning, even though I don't wash dishes for her, I'll wash dishes. Yeah. And I do. uh and she'll overprepare now to make sure that expectation is not something that's not

going unmet but we try and create margin for each other. Absolutely. Uh in this space and now we don't just react. We both try and take responsibility. Yeah. For what those are knowing that that didn't originate with him. That's not his problem, guys. That's my stuff, right? But I have to deal with that appropriately and not overreact. When something is simple, it can cause a cataclysmic war when it was never intended to be so. And that's the enemy using the little foxes to spoil the loaf. Yeah. Little roaches. [laughter] But that's maturity. Doing that and work to as maturity. So, um, which leads us now from truth and tools and tenacity to something called teamwork. That's right. Teamwork is how we build better uh together because I think everybody would agree in here. No one wants to be

walking on [snorts] eggshells in a marriage. That's facts. You don't want to walk on eggshells. You want to walk in awareness. Yeah. And part of that means if you don't want to tiptoe through your marriage, um this is where we all need to learn how to extend grace to each other. That's correct. Okay. Because remember, if your spouse is in an unhealthy pattern, y'all y'all are in an unhealthy pattern pattern. You think it's just your spouse. It's not. You think it's just his issue or it's her issue. It's our issue. Yeah. Because landmines blow everybody up. No respector of person. It don't just blow you up a set. Like a landmine blows everybody up. And as Kristen said, don't be creating spiritual shrapnel. That's it.

By setting things and allowing those things to set off that we placed there and did not want to those things to heal. Because when we can identify the patterns in each other, Yep. not just me identifying my pattern and her identifying hers, but when we're able to share and be able to see, okay, these are your patterns. These are your hot spots. These are my patterns. And we can do it with care and we can do kindness. Yeah. Kindness counts. It's free to be kind. The most important person and relationship this side of heaven. Do you think you can offer and afford some kindness? I think it's important. Yeah. And sometimes we look at our spouses as opposition as opposed to the most important player on our team. Yeah. Yeah. And so we don't want to attack I I don't want to attack my teammate. This is my this is my teammate. This is my partner. Y um and I and we support our teammates.

That's it. Um, and even if I miss it, because I'mma miss it, every now and then that fork is going to get left in the sink. It's [sighs] It's going to happen. Um, and she gonna take a French fry. Bless it. Um, facts. But if we can know we'll miss it sometimes, but we identify that in love. It's still a win. We still get to win. All right. So, here's a couple things to help us navigate. Uh, when you see your spouse triggered. Yep. And y'all know what we mean when we say triggered, right? You know your spouse. Yep. You know, listen. Okay. So, this is the tailtale sign with this one, right? And you know your spouse is triggered like nobody else does, right? So, I always know we could be in a room full of y'all. He don't have to say a word and I know he's

triggered. He has this like nerve in the side of his face and he starts doing this with his mouth. when this nerve comes alive, you done got on his last nerve and it's a whole thing and you can watch it and it's like and I'm like um I it's time to go. We're good. We It's time to go because I know that whatever comes next, it's probably not going to be kind. Everybody got a trigger. You just got to know your spouse's triggers cuz guess what? You can end up in a public place and be like, "Uhoh, you just gave my tail away." Just Ah, tell I can't play poker or nothing with none of y'all cuz y'all be like, "Ah, he's speaking. He's lying." Ah, no. When you see your spouse triggered, uh, don't escalate it.

Please don't dismiss it. Please, you got to pause and remember where the pattern came from. The pattern came from somewhere. And this actually requires us to do some of this in real time, y'all. It It requires us not to do this whole philosophical thing. It literally has to be in real time. Oh, this is happening right now. I know what this is. This is because X, Y, and Z. So, let me diffuse this. Not avoid it, but let me diffuse it and do the things I need to do to make sure we don't blow everybody up, you know, in this. Because if you handle if you handle those moments correctly, you don't just fix a argument, [snorts] you help heal something that's even deeper. And that's a big deal. And that's the goal that we're able to be a safe space for ourselves, right? That's the goal of what this is all about. But if we don't

inquire, we don't lean in, we don't ask questions, and we don't look at the pattern that we keep going over and over with, then what we're saying is that we're just okay with you being broken. And if they're broken, who's broken? We're broken. That's right. That's right. And you don't want to to continue to happen. Those patterns, man, they're not serving you well in your marriage now. And so our job is to equip y'all uh to not keep repeating the same pattern that's going to lead you towards conflict. We want to give you the tools. We want to give you the different conversation points to be able to deactivate uh those triggers. So couple of thoughts uh today. When you think about some of your triggers, where those things came from, how are you navigating that? How do you feel, you know, as you are

expressing to each other? Is your spouse a safe place to be able to help navigate some of the triggers that you know where they came from? Or maybe you don't know and you're learning now where those things came from and now as you're learning the pattern that I have is based on something that happened, you know, back many years ago and no longer serves me. Yeah. Um, one of the things that that uh came to mind uh with me is um I was uh I was abused as a kid. Um not by my parents. Um but I'm I'm being Holy Spirit led right now to to even shed share this story here. Uh but

uh as a child, I can remember I was probably uh probably around nine or 10 years old. Uh, and at my little church growing up, the the adults would all come together and they would hang out and, you know, we was the Baptist back then, so they would be hanging out and and listening to Richard Prior albums and stuff like that because, you know, the Baptist got down like that. But, uh, I'm joking, but I'm not joking. U, but the the parents and the the church leaders would hang out and they would have all the kids that would hang out, you know, together. And I could remember from the younger kids, younger than me to my age to even some older kids, um those were kids that we all hung out together. And one day we were in a room full of youth. There was probably like maybe 15 to 20 of us in a room together.

Uh and one of the older kids uh who was uh kind of maybe a little feminine, affeminite. He was a guy like a choir director. He was very feminine guy. We were going around the room and we were asking everybody,"Hey, when you get older, how many kids do you want to have when you get, you know, when you get married?" And, you know, the kids would say, "I want to have three kids." And going around, I want to have four kids. I said that. When they got around to me, they asked me how many kids I want to have. He said, I said, "I want to have nine kids when I get older." Guys, that's what I said. I said, "I want to have nine kids when I get older." And this older boy came up to me in the middle of everybody in that room and he reached his hand into my crotch and he grabbed my crotch and he pinched and he

started twisting it right there in the room in front of everybody to where I am literally now doubled over as a kid in this room with all these people watching and I bowled over like in pain. And he said in front of the room, in front of everybody, he said there now you can't use that thing when you get older. Now in that moment I'm crying. I am nine or 10 and this moment happens. So I tuck it away. I don't know what to do with that. And so I walk away from that and nobody says anything as though it never happened. About two weeks go by

and this kid, a different kid calls my mom and he says, "Hey, uh, Mrs. Jordan, um, something happened last week, you know, with a kid that, um, that did something, uh, to Montel and it it seemed like it was really inappropriate, and I I think you should you should know that. I wanted to tell you." So my mom eventually comes to me and she is furious. She is angry and she says to me, "Why didn't you say something? Why did you allow that to happen? Did you like it? Are you gay? Why didn't you come to me?" Now, not a knock on my mom because my mom didn't know how to how to deal with this either. She's a mom navigating something that happened to her son. And that was her reaction. So

now I'm a 9 10 year old kid navigating something that happened to me trying to figure out did I what did I do? What was my fault in this? I'm giving you an origin story, right? So that you can see that now grateful. Yeah. It did not develop into a pattern, right? where I could have been a certain type of way or if I had dealt with my masculinity or had the difficulty with my sexuality or what identity. I am grateful to God that that did not become a pattern right in in my life. But I can also say that I'm grateful to be in a space where safety is I could share this with my wife.

Yeah. so that she could help me heal from something like that, right? Because that could have carried on into my marriage. That could have carried on to how I saw sexual sexuality and sensuality. I'm grateful to God it didn't. I'm sharing that story with you because when we move forward, especially as we head into our last sessions and everything, when we're talking about origins and patterns and triggers, we're also trying to help create safe spaces in your marriage. Yeah. So that if I could share a story like that with y'all, Yeah. Okay. There are chances that there are wives in here that have stories, origin stories that maybe your husband isn't aware of.

Yeah. And the reality of it is if your husband isn't created by God to become a safe space for you, it doesn't just mean you haven't healed. It means y'all not healed. Yeah. And for my wives out there, I'm setting a foundation for something. Yeah. If your husband has navigated something, an origin story, something he saw, something he experienced, something that happened to him. If you aren't a safe space, yeah, for him to be able to share that with you and not be judged and not have that thrown back in his face or him to to feel like if if I told her that and she abused it, I can never be able to I'll never share anything again. You have to be willing to become a safe space for him to heal. Because wives,

if your husband's not healed, y'all y'all are not healed. Yeah. And so the journey from here on out as we are headed into the the the ending of everything uh which kind of is the beginning of everything is to make sure that you are now talking and asking God y Lord will you create in me to be a safe space for my spouse for my spouse. I want to be the safe space to help my husband heal. I want to be the safe space to help my wife heal because if your spouse isn't healed, y'all not healed. And we want you to be able to deal with conflict in conflict resolution in talking with each other, communicating with each other, helping.

I want to say this, and I know I'm talking a lot here, but this is important. Um, I truly believe that there are some things that only God can heal in your marriage. Yeah. And I also believe there are some things only you can heal in your marriage. Yeah. God doesn't need you to do his part. Yeah. He just needs you to do yours. He needs you to do your part. Amen. Amen. Let's say a prayer. Heavenly Father, um, do what only you know how to do in these couples. Allow them to become safe places for one another. You know their origin. Yes, God. You know their patterns. You know where the triggers lie. Yes, Lord.

It is our prayer, Lord, that you will equip them to diffuse the things that can destroy them both. Yes, Lord. That can destroy their families. that can destroy family legacy based on patterns that do not serve us well in this season. Yes, God. We trust you. We believe that we will leave this place not the same after this weekend. Yes, Lord. But in a space that we not only know first things first and not only knows that marriage takes work and not only knowing how to talk to each other but also knowing, Father, that we were created differently and that you have given us remedies for the origin stories and the patterns and the triggers that you want to heal us and you want to make us whole again. Yes, Lord. Creating us safe spaces for you to be able to help our spouses and ourselves heal in a way that only you can do it. M we pray these things in Jesus name.

In Jesus name. I said amen. Amen. Amen. [applause]